3 frivolous goals act 1, scene 2

I now have the bike, the helmet and the hot leather outfit. The only thing I am lacking is the knowledge of how to operate the bike. I have 5 days of practice until I take the test. Here is what people are saying:

"...you are going to die." --Stephen Frandsen
"...you are going to lay it out." --Stephen's friend Dan
"...you're going to need more insurance coverage than that." --my mom
"...um...NO WAY!!!" --Lanenga

So with a full vote of confidence from loved ones, I'm going for it. 9 days until I ride back to the island. Dig in!

Ninja Review of Pirates of the Caribbean 2

You've maybe heard of the legendary rivalry between ninjas and pirates. Click on the picture below to hear what one ninja thought of this extremely bad movie.

This is not as stupid as Pirates 2

yo ho ho and a bottle of dumb

This is a mass email I sent out to various loved ones that needs more exposure because it is THAT important:

It's summer. I have time and energy to do what I want when I want. For the most part that's been a quality experience. Last night though, I ended the magic streak by doing what this entire email is dedicated to encouraging you not, for the love of all things good, to do. I saw Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.

For those of you who had any remote interest in seeing this movie, I implore you with all the concern of a fellow consumer, do not waste your precious time and resources. This is 3 hours (yes, it's THAT long!) of your life you will never get back! If you sat on the john and read the July-November 1992 issues of Golf Digest, it would be time better spent. The entire movie is a long and hopelessly drawn-out teaser for the 3rd movie. Every character who died in the first movie comes back to life and lost a little something while on the other side because all of the characters (even the ones who didn't die) are decidedly stupider (yes, so stupid, they're stupider). Even the characters who die in this very movie come back to life, which leads me to wonder who's dead chest we're talking about. No one's, that's who! It's all a huge deception, which leads me to believe that this movie is of the devil, the father of all lies. Now, if I'm not going to support movies that encourage pornography or senseless violence, I most certainly am not going to support movies of the devil (who incidentally also happens to be the father of pornography and senseless violence and wears Prada).

Trying desperately to make sense out of how a movie so bad could've escaped the scrutinies of so many so-called professionals with whom we trust our entertainment, I came up with the following list of what must have been going through the producers' minds:

• Maybe if the opening scene contains Keira Knightly's heaving bosom, no one will notice how bad the remaining 2+ hours are.
• Maybe if we add some cool effects like moving barnacles on people's faces or an octopus-headed guy playing an organ, no one will notice how bad the rest of the movie is.
• Maybe if we change the plot so that no 10-minute sequence (of which there are many, since it is so freaking long) is connected to the ones before or after, people will pick a plot that they like and hold on to that one even thought the rest of the movie is so bad. Or it might leave the audience with the false impression that even though the movie has been so bad so far, it might have a prayer of getting better and keep them in their seats until the head-slappingly corny, three-quel necessitating end.
  
• Maybe if we limit the dialogue and replace it with special effects, people won't notice how essentially unbearable it is.
• Davy Jones? Who's that? A Pirate? I thought that was the name of one of the Monkees...Hey! Let's put the monkey back into this movie! Even though he and everyone else died...or did they...yes they did...hmmm...
• Let's have everyone change sympathies several times over the course of the movie just to draw it out and make it unpredictable and incredible and bad and stupid and horrible and fantastically dumb and eternally long.
  

Some of you might be thinking what Amy Middleton did:
Amy: But I learned that if I want to know the truth of all things, I need to know for myself and not the testimony of others. What do I do?
Me: Drugs are bad. Premarital sex is bad. Suicide is bad. Pirates of the C. 2 is bad. Some things you just have to take on faith.

For real, if my life weren't so good in so many other ways, I might lose my testimony over this movie. THAT'S how bad it is. As my roommates and I walked the 14 blocks back to our apartment last night (complaining the entire way about the horrible movie we had just watched), our one consolation was that between the 4 of us and our discount, we had only spent $34 on the ordeal, which would be considered money wasted if you wanted to be a pessimist, but I am all too glad to bear the burden of my personal $8.50 to tell you not to see this movie, for the love!

It is just that bad. Direct any further curiosities to any trusted movie critic and you will see the same (unless the movie critic is stupid--trusted people can also be stupid). The trailer for the 2007 Transformers movie got more applause than the entire 3 hours of Pirates, but I guess that's not a fair comparison to make.

That is my message: Don't do drugs. Don't sleep around. Don't kill yourself. Don't see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.